Good day family and friends,
I hope you are thriving as we are coming up on the last four months of the year and going after those things you stated at the top of the year. For me, I have been in a very interesting space. If I had to title it anything, it would possibly be a "Mental and Emotional Reset". I know that sounds deep, trust me it's been even deeper going through it. I'm sure you are wondering what I am speaking of, and to be honest if I could give it all the words in the world I still don't think it would capture the fullness, but since we are here I am going to give it a try.
Firstly, moving to Ohio was simple. I didn't want to do it, but I had to do it. I couldn't move forward in life knowing that my father's last days were missed based on my selfish reasons. So, when I got the call though he stated his diagnosis, I heard "you are moving there". So, I immediately packed up what could fit in my Volkswagen beetle and drove the eight hours up the road to what seemed like hope. Upon arrival, things were lining up so nicely, but then the bottom fell out. Watching my father transition from life to death was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. Not only was it painful to watch, but it was also excruciating to see all of my hopes and dreams with and for my father leave this earth too. That is right when I realized that every trauma and experience leading up to this moment was not only needed but it would become the seeding ground for me to excel past the loss of my father.
It started to get messy, not my home or my car, my heart. My heart began feeling conflicted, my mind started to betray me with dreams, memories and unwise desires. My hair started to fall out, my skin started to clear and my weight was up and down. I would feel really good some days, and on others, I would want to disappear into a yellow brick wall. The amount of mental and emotional exhaustion I had experienced during that time couldn't be cultivated into words. I was walking around burning from both ends of the candle, but smiling just in case there was a little bit of hope around the corner.
Months later, after surviving a midwestern winter as a southern city girl it was like I was watching myself from the outside. I was finding joy, I was choosing myself despite the world's desire to talk me out of it. And just like that, I discovered a love for Ohio.
Now, as I previously stated at the top of this blog post, I couldn't really express it in words so this is only an ounce of it, but here are some key takeaways when in an unknown season. This season has been so unknown because I truly don't know much of anything but I lean on what I do know. What I know is, that where ever you are right now is exactly where you need to be, however, the "B Clause" to that statement is " but you don't have to stay there forever".
That is what I was missing the first year and a half I lived in Ohio. My brain, my heart, and mind considered my surroundings and my grief, my pain, and immense loneliness, and thought that it would be like this forever. And to my shock, surprise, and gratitude it's not. I have finally been able to plan a life of joy outside of these traumatic experiences. Now I will be candid about this, getting here was not easy and I am still hit with challenges daily. However, its a funny thing when the mind changes and allows room for a new perspective. So what happened, what cause the shift.. ???
1. I started to dream wild crazy, far-fetched things that were not in my present situation.
2. I started to lay seeds in the ground that I wanted ownership in.
3. My self-talk changed, I began telling myself that I was more than and above my current situation.
4. I allowed myself to desire and plan beyond what I truly believed I deserve.
So here's what I can conclude when tragedy and trauma hit our bodies go into crisis/survival mode. We let go of self-preservation and lean into the "just for today" mentality. And while it is a great tool to survive it's terrible for thriving. While we can't dictate the seasons we can posture ourselves as they show up. I'm not saying that you can move the seasons around as they come, but I am saying that when we are aware enough to notice the changes, our perspective can shift. I personally have been in the most challenging season of my life, and only now have I been able to finally create a plan and see it through. I am willing to state that I have desires that I usually was afraid to speak or feel worthy of. Not only am I willing to add to my life, I humbly can state that I wouldn't have gained this if it weren't for Ohio. If it weren't for the loss of my father, the move to Ohio, and all the strangers I met along the way, I wouldn't have gained a sense of self during familial loss. And that is my love letter to me and to Ohio. See, love has a way of conquering everything, literally.
So, on this day of your happy mid-day reading, I want to know what are you willing to love or speak despite your shame, pain, or lack of gain? Are you willing to dream beyond your current circumstances or more than what the world is willing to offer? Or perhaps you are and you aren't seeing the results. To that I say, make room because everything that you are willing to profess as your desire is right around the corner. My only thought is, are you getting ready for it?
I officially declare this season as a "Room Making" season and I couldn't be more thrilled to see my heart's desire come true.
Shamelessly,
Sara J.
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