It’s been a while; it’s truly been too long. I sit here at my desk with joy and excitement to write to you. Firstly, grief is a real thing and should not be taken lightly. Secondly, joy is on the other side of every fearful door and thirdly, consistency is everything.
If you are
not an active listener of the Sincerely, Shameless Podcast then click the link,
but come back to the blog because I have something for you. If you are a listener
of the Sincerely, Shameless pod then you know that I recently closed season 5 prematurely.
I thought I was in full recovery from the loss of my father and the loss of the
beautiful life I thought I had. A beautiful life that I curated by hand with all
the help from God. Something that I was not willing to let go of, even if I was
going to grab hold of something great. I don’t think I have to go into great
detail about past things, but I think we all have a few attachment issues when
it comes to the things that we know we love. For me, that was the life that I
have single-handedly built for myself in Atlanta. For context purposes, I had
the vehicle that I loved, the midrise apartment, and the job that I thought
could weather any storm. You are probably thinking, that’s not much or perhaps
that can be created anywhere. And you are right, but let me tell you what can’t
be created anywhere; pure connections to places, memories of childhood, paternal
moments in places, things that never made it to the car during the many moves, etcetera.
For the past 18 months, I have not only lost, but I have also been grieving a closed
book on a lifestyle. The acceptance that even if I tried really hard that book
will remain closed. That type of grief hits differently and it deserves every
bit of attention that would be given to a major milestone or celebration. What I
found interesting about grief is though the stages are given as an acronym, you
can bounce between them sporadically throughout a day, a month, and even a year.
I found myself stuck in “bargaining”, asking for more time, wishing I had
cherished smaller moments, and or simply wanting to reconnect to old friends just
to relive a time that I thought was the pinnacle.
From there
was someplace I love called “Rock Bottom” or “False Bottom”, it’s the place where
we bury all our fears and shames and clothe ourselves in “I’m okay, I swear I
am okay”! It’s the place where everything is hypersensitive, and nothing feels
good. When I hit it, I thought it would be much like the other times I hit rock
bottom. I thought I would dust myself off, produce a good heart-felt blog, and
then move forward with the lesson. This time was different, mainly because if I’m
transparent, I sat there. I sat down legs criss-cross apple sauced, with my
head in both hands thinking this was it. That moment at Rock Bottom felt like
forever, it felt like quitting, and contentment, guilt, and fear. It felt like
the fear of having to start again, once again was going to be far too paralytic.
The guilt of having to admit that I made the decision out of obedience despite
my dislike to the place I now call home. The contentment to not produce again, because
my greatest days have already been celebrated. The thought of not being able to
succeed because I am not where I want to be or have the people, I want there consumed
me. Those thoughts met me at Rock Bottom, and we fellowshipped as friends, getting
deeper in paralysis.
After many conversations at the Rock Bottom, I decided that this is the same bottom that I had
spent many of my adolescent years at. The conversation was all too familiar, but
unlike those other times, I really would never contend with my fears. I want you
to know that all battles are meant to be won, but sometimes you must stay a bit
longer to contend with your own fears about the war you are in. Most times it's
not the obstacle itself, it’s the inner self that poses the greatest adversity.
However, we don’t always want to admit that, or maybe we don’t always know
that. Therefore, it’s okay to sit with your fears, discomfort, or the
terrible things you say about yourself. Save a mental note and get up slowly and
climb up to land. You owe it to you to know what’s holding you back from
tapping into your best days.
Now, I know
I went the long way to simply say this, but context is everything in the age of
tweets, memes and emojis. Most times our paralysis and lack of consistency comes
from within and not external forces. We have climbed so much with thinning air step
by step, we don’t know which one will be the one to land us on our back. But I know
this to be true, there is no greater sacrifice you can give to yourself other
than sitting with you and being honest about what are where you are. Truth has
a way of setting us free in ways we can’t buy, drink or eat! In those eighteen
months, I was a daughter, a fighter, a server, a leasing consultant, unemployed,
a friend, a burden and burdened. All of that, and not once did it click in my
mind that this to shall pass. And perhaps it did, but it was fleeting. Maybe I
did know that I was going to make it, but just didn’t feel it. Now that I have the
clarity to know exactly where I am, I can proudly say, the blog is fully back as
well as the Sincerely, Shameless podcast.
I will say
this, Rock Bottom is much better when you know your purpose. Be sure to put
everything to the side before you put away your purpose, trust me, if it weren’t
for my purpose with the Shameless Community, I can’t say getting up from Rock
Bottom would have happened when it did. Journey with me as WE continue in this
life!
With much
love,
Sara J.
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